The Activities of Angry Vagina along with her Dating App | HuffPost Recreation

Let me make it clear a tale of a detailed buddy of my own known as Angry Vagina. One intimately annoyed day, she decides to join a mobile matchmaking app against the woman much better view. Dared to participate in by a Penis Custodian pal of hers (technically not bangable for the reason that «nobody’s screwing business») she’s not able to resist the process and opens by herself widely and blissfully into opportunities.

Thus we start the story in the famous Angry V as she downloads the application onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone, putting her 6 best images such as a superstar headlining picture as presented below.

Offered limited space to articulate her wonder, the woman is subsequently motivated to condense the woman unbelievable biography into multiple boner-inducing outlines and completes the woman profile to perfection. And just like secret, mushroom-head owners ready for inspection instantly appear on the woman feed.

Per internet dating application rules, Angry Vagina must swipe left if a specimen makes the girl dry as an article of sandpaper or perhaps disgusts the girl. On the other hand she must swipe appropriate if she really wants to have fun with brand new shaft at issue.

Below we possess the privilege of watching the woman stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through increase of moping scarecrows with her iphone.

Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)

Would we bang that man? Perhaps. Umm.

Remembering the important fairy stories of her childhood, furious Vagina all of a sudden seems accountable to be so low and gives much more soul to her «swipage» as she goes on the woman research Prince Charming.

Behold! Me is new princess nameth «Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty». I hath talked.

(furious V hence reinvents the fairytale internet dating narrative, but now during the form of

Rapunzel

. Equipped with boner in place of sword, Prince slays poverty dragon in order to purchase expensive new iphone. He today climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic locks, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, annoyed V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong sound . . .)

Brief man near little dog. Pretends becoming large.

(Swipes kept)

Bike man loves spandex. Testicle perhaps not big enough. Please mount bicycle versus woman.

(Swipes remaining)

Wealth listed in profile. Congratulations! Buy thyself plastic snatch.

(Swipes kept)

Too-young. Like teenager. Premature spooge probably.

(Swipes left.)

Exactly why therefore bald continuously?

(Swipes remaining)

«Entrepreneur». No unemployed guys enabled.

(Swipes left)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes left, punches phone in face, inserts profile photo of one-true-love «Kitteh».)

(Continuing as if hooked.)

Software engineer pretending to-be fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)

Amazing abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)

An excessive amount of beard. Facial woodland outcompete old development woodland of furious Vagina.

(Swipes left)

Gym selfies only? Exactly how ‘bout penis pushups.

(Swipes kept)

Oooooh! somebody is hat enthusiast. Need to be addressing bald place.

(Swipes remaining)

You are living WHEREIN? Or perhaps is that for which you park the car . . .

(Swipes kept)



Wow you prefer recreations? Fascinating. Among sort. Time to delete dating application and acquire married.

(Swipes remaining)



You like to SEXT? In which is actually middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes left)

Shows themselves in image next to sexier man. Dumbass.

(Swipes left)

Claims to be committed but is an individual trainer.

(Swipes remaining)

Young ones? Lady boner deceased.

(Swipes remaining)

Detailed as «director» on profile. Of what? Angry Vagina’s irritability?

(Swipes kept)

No account details. Hail to one picture of acne-prone skin. Let me go on and toss feet available individually now.

(Swipes left)

Proud vegan with image of real time cucumber. Penis most likely shriveled and starving for necessary protein. I’ll get Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)

Whaaaat. Now they truly are providing me personally ladies. Swiping left too quickly?

(Swipes kept a lot more gradually)

(Angry Vagina takes split to make contact with closest friend «Nongay partner» for nostalgic words via book.)

«Nongay partner, i will be leading the plumped for folks (otherwise referred to as Kitteh) through wilderness like Moses. Looking around to locate h2o or Penis Custodian. I do maybe not know if i am going to endure. Please send help.»

(Waits for reply and continues search.)

Oh no! Swiped correct accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Not allowed? Fuuuuuck. Hate that ugly guy thinks he is preferred. Fuuuuuck.

(New determination.)

Left-swipage is slowly destroying character. Must resort to self-swipage for curing . . .

(Angry Vagina requires impromptu break. Wasn’t prepared come back to penis wilderness anyway.)

(brief while later, back on phone app like research animal.)

Trump promoter. Sort of pretty. Can’t. Try To Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes left)

Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes left)

Chief Executive Officer of something? What number of unemployed men exist?

(Swipes remaining)



Yes! Long hair good. Lady-boner states hi.

(Swipes correct)

Hair long. Homeless man.

(Swipes kept)



Scholar. Poverty deadly to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too late . . .

(Swipes kept)

Seems 8 several months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes kept)

Cluster try with women! Attempting to convince me personally they like you.

(Swipes kept)

Self-employed hot guy. Don’t bang you in parents’ cellar.

(Swipes kept)



Lots of razor-sharp teeth. Might also have pointy knob. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes kept)

Confident each photo on your own profile is various man. Annoyed Vagina is actually perplexed.

(Swipes kept)

Crazy smiley face. Appears as well happy. Probably serial killer.

(Swipes kept)

Hot man fantastic human body. Boring individuality and task. Swipe left, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)

Over 40 never ever married. Lonely self-centered guy. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh.

(Swipes kept)

Thank you so much for discussing peak. I am aware everything I need to know. Bless you.

(Swipes left)

Oh no! Cell dying! Must swipe kept! Must. Reject. A Lot More. Mushroom-head-

And simply that way, Angry Vagina must refer to it as quits during the day until a cell phone charger are found. Just for now.

In theory, the pushed recovery time enables brand-new shaft prospects the ability to swipe directly on her profile now, suggesting their unique delusional desire of banging the girl. A lot of will not make a difference. But once her very own chosen «right-swipes» come back the benefit, also referred to as the «mutual match», the storyline thickens.

Persistence, Angry V, Persistence.



As continued . . .